how to give a cat a pill...

[blackdirt beagles]

How To Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and

gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat

opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left

arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws

tightly with left hand. force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth

with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear

paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head

firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down

ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6) Retrieve cat from top of shelves. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make

note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered

Precious Moments figurines from shelf and set to one side for gluing later.

7) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat

with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking

straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of

water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove

blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in

cupboard and close door into neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open

with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold

compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot.

Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize

to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last

pill from foil-wrap.

12) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to

leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's

mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece

of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to

wash pill down.

13) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor

stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop

by the furniture store on way home to order new table.

14) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to

see if they have any hamsters.

[Emery]

You forgot to add the point where you go to the gun room, grab the 12 ga, grab a shell and tape the pill to the end of the shotshell, load gun and shoot cat. Pill received with a lot less headache.

Emery