Some very crappy humor!

[Emery]

If you've ever had a colonoscopy, this describes it perfectly! If not,
> you'll see what you have to look forward to!
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
> Herald. Here is a hilarious colonoscopy journal from Dave:
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make
> an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his
> office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy
> organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing
> briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
> procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I
> nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
> because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
> TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!
>
> 'I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a ;prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in
> a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
> MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we
> must never allow it to fall into the hands of
> America 's enemies. I spent the next several days
> productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on
> the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
> didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
> chicken broth, which is basically water, only with
> less flavor.
>
> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
> packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and
> then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with
> the metric system, a liter has to be about about 32 gallons.)
> Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
> because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind- like a
> mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with
> a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose
> watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying
> that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
> with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic
> here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This
> is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
> There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
> You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
> bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
> everything. And then, when you figure you must be
> totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
> MoviPrep, a t which point, as far as I can tell,
> your bowels travel into the future and start
> eliminating food that you have not even eaten
> yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got
> to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the
> clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
> about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
> thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you
> apologize to a friend for something like that?
> Flowers would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that
> I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
> forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
> people, where I went inside a little curtained space and
> took off my clothes and put on one of those
> hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the
> kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even
> more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a
> nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
> my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but
> Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
> Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
> their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I
> hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what
> would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make
> it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around
> in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice
> but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and
> an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube,
> but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.
> I was seriously nervous at this point; Andy had me roll
> over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
> began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
> There was music playing in the room, and I realized
> that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I
> remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could
> be playing during this particular procedure,
> 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere
> behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment
> I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are
> squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you,
> in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no
> idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba
> was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from
> the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in
> the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I
> felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent
> when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my
> colon had passed with flying colors. I have never
> been prouder of an internal organ.

[briarshakersdaddy]

Yea Just had one my self. Nurse in preop ask me Mr Salyers do you know what you are here for. I told her yes they are going to volite Me. Also aqsk her if this was going to turn me gay. My wife told my sister if they ask for my wife she was going to tell them that [my sister] was. I think I sort or embaraced her with the way I was Teasing the Nurse.

[denny606]

been there done that,didn't even get at-shirt,Just when I thought it was all over they wheeled me into the recovery roomand it looked like at least 400 were in there too,i may be off on the count because I think i was still legally impaired,I thought well at least nobody knows me,then the first person I see is Paula, a neighbor just down the road from my house who was in charge of the recovery room that day.Then when I thought i didn't have one ounce of dignity left ,she grabs me and rolls me on my side and says" you are going to have a little gas don't worry and just let it out" well al ittle gas is a daily occurence with me and frankly I don't care about a little gas or who knows ,I don't know why my ex says i am crude and have no manners either though,But a LITTLE GAS this woman would call the Grand Canyon a ditch,there I laid ,on my side my butt exposed to the world and that so called gown flapping like a clean sheet on a clothesline during hurricane season ,oh yeah did I mention I had the bed facing the door where they were wheeling other victims of whatever abuse they had inflicted on them in and out of the room. So her I was every body looking at me as they came and went and I didn't know any body Except the woman who served me lunc 2 or three times a week at the local chicken place /bait store and gun dealer(all in one place, I live in a small town)POP 600.and as they are rolling her by something came out of me that sounded like the Concorde taking off for London and she said Howdy Denny and I replied howdy Gladys .once again I thought the worse was over and I got a feeling that what is about to happen next ain't gas,Like a child in Grade school I held up my hand and asked to go to the bathroom, She said no if you mess yourself we'll clean you up.this was not happening ,i didn't mess my self back when I drank. at this point I evoked my right to squeeze my cheeks until I got out of that bed and to a bathroom.she made stay about 14 more hours (well it seemed like it) and brought me my clothes and pointed me to the bath room /dressing room and when i got there I was glad my butt was already unwrapped and proceeded to explode and i was right, it was more than gas it was something they put in me a fifty five gallon drum of some kind of slimy lube they use for their plumbing snake I guess I hpe it wasn't any thing that I needed.Ok game over I put my duds back on and this bathroom had another door marked Exit this way,so out I go right back into awaiting room full of people snickering and pointed their fingers at me as I staggered over to where sis was sitting and said take me HOME,On the way home she said you could hear every thing in the waiting room door,now I know what everyone found so amusing,Now the really bad part I need to schedule another one because it has been over 2 years and they did remove some polyps,I dread it but I know what to expect this time and will check my dignity at the door