Hummm, Honey, don't trade the Chevy in on a bicycle yet!

Ralph Pearson · Post by **Ralph Pearson** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 12:28 pm

Preacher, does this mean you don't want no picture of Nary may with that blue ribbon in her hair?? Last chance as I only have 47 and 46 have already been spoken for. I told Nary May what you said and I ain't gonna repeat the words that came out of that little womans mouth, you bein a man of the cloth and all. Lets just say she was fit to be tied cuz Nary May ain't used to being put on the back burner or ignored and I think the thing that really upset her was the fact that she has always taken pride in her hospitality abilities. She claims her grace and charm comes natural to her but what she don't know is sometimes when she thinks I ain't paying attention, she switches the TV satation over and watches them reruns of that Martha Stewart show. Now I am figuring that she has picked up some pointers from Martha but I can't be sure. Anyway, your name is mud around here and if I was you I would apologize just as quick as I could ( I speak from experience) cuz a woman that can knock out a BILLY GOAT with one punch ain't nothing to brush aside. Which reminds of a story and it all falls in line with Nary Mays hospitality abilities. The woman has a shrewd mind I tell ya and one time after watching a Martha Stewart rerun, Nary May decided she was gonna put on the dog and have all her cousins over for an afternoon tea and cakes and maybe she could stop all the rumors about her wearing the pants in the family and such. She had me draw up her invite list and I happen to mention that she should also invite her half twin sister Mabel over as she hadn't seen her for a few months. She looked at me kind of funny cuz Nary May likes her half twin real well but Mabel has a little boy named Cletus and be darned if he ain't the most peculiar little fellow you ever saw. He wears glasses and has pretty big ears and the most peculiar thing about him is he is always askin questions. Most quizitive little devil you ever seen and Nary May don't care much for him. I kinda like like the little sport cuz he is the only kid I ever seen that can ride a bicycle backwards while reciting the preamble to the Constitution. Its a sight to behold I tell ya. Anyway, on this particular day of the tea party, Nary May got up early and was scurrying around and getting the house all ready for the tea party and she even cleaned the dead flies off the picture window. Of course your tea party has no crediblity with the ladies unless you invite the preachers wife too and Nary May did and was really looking forward to entertaining her and all her cousins. Now keep in mind that Nary May ain't never had no kids and the only reason I can think of that she ain't is that nobody ever taught her how. Lord knows she can do everything else and has about the sharpest mind God ever put on a woman. Well anyway, Nary Mays half twin Mabel called right at the last minute and told her she couldn't find a baby sitter for little Cletus and would it be alright if she brought him along if he promised to be quiet and not ask all those questions like he always does. Nary May was a little miffed but reluctantly agreed cuz she was in no mood to argue. All the cousins showed up and pretty soon here come the preachers wife and right behind them was Mabel and little Cletus. Now I shouldn't tell you this cuz you might get the idea that nary May don't like kids but several times when she was forced to baby sit little Cletus, she took him out behind the barn and blistered his little behind good cuz the kid just woundn't shut up. Constantly asking the darnest questions and all I can say is that maybe since he is related to Nary May, he has a quest for knowledge and simply can't help himself. Needles to say little Cletus walks a thin line when ever he comes over to the house now and I figured today would be no differant. Well anyway, all the ladies was chatting about this and that and they was all sittin around with their legs crossed and having a real good time and Nary May was just glowing. It was doing her a lot of good to have her feminine side come out and I made a promise to myself right then and there that she should have more of these tea parties since they seemed to make her so happy. Well all was going pretty good and finally Nary May decided it was time to pour the tea and offer all the ladies some of her special Martha Stewart tea cakes. She poured Mabels tea and was going around the room pouring each one of her cousins a cup and just when she was about to pour the preachers wife a cup, little Cletus jumped up and asked "How loud can a dog fart?" I don't have to tell you what happened next!!

crewchf · Post by **crewchf** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 12:33 pm

Are you two from West By God Virginia????

Crew Chief

Honey Pot Hounds · Post by **Honey Pot Hounds** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 7:03 pm

We've got ourselves a brilliant writer here!!!

Maybe he could start a monthly story in the American Beagler!!!!

TC · Post by TC » Wed Jul 12, 2006 8:04 pm

We've got ourselves a brilliant writer here!!!

Maybe he could start a monthly story in the American Beagler!!!!

Now I will Second that!!!!
Heck I would Suscribe to that other mag if it ran Stories like this!!!!!!!!
Sat here and read it outloud So JC wouldnt have to read over my Shoulder to see what I was a giglin about.

Greg H · Post by **Greg H** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 9:23 pm

Ralph, you tell little Cletus that it ain't the dog farts you can hear that will run you out of the room, its them SBD's that'll make your eyes water specially when them dogs get into the rubarb pie. I was wonderin if Nary May had a sister, and am quite pleased to find out she has a half twin sister.

crewchf · Post by **crewchf** » Thu Jul 13, 2006 6:10 am

I don't know,, I met a guy from West Virginia on the Flt. Line at Cam Ranh Bay, sounded just like this guy!!!!!!!

Crew Chief

awful bawlin · Post by **awful bawlin** » Thu Jul 13, 2006 8:06 am

Delightful darn delightful.

high ridge joe · Post by **high ridge joe** » Thu Jul 13, 2006 8:43 am

I would love to see that TV Show..it could be aired after or before the Red Green Show.........

Ralph Pearson · Post by **Ralph Pearson** » Thu Jul 13, 2006 11:00 pm

Me and Nary May wants to thank all you fine folks for your support. I want to thank all of you personally for allowing me to gloat and brag on Nary May, but when a man is blessed such as I am, I know you can understand where I am coming from and just hope and pray that all of you men have snagged you a woman as special as mine. Remember that looks ain't all there is to love and if you are lucky like me, you got you one with some brains. Time after time Nary May has never ceased to amaze me with her insight and wisdom in the game of life. I can't stay long because I am in a heck of a hurry. I have to get over to Stumptown to the school house and run the child care at the Summer School Prom. Nary May was suppossed to do it but since she is a little heavy handed with the kids, I volunteered to go for her. Anyway, before I go, I want to warn you of a scam that is going around. Just another example of the keen mind she has. Nary May wants me to tell you that if someone comes and knocks on your door and says they are doing a survey on deer ticks and Lyme disease and tells you to take off all your clothes and and spin around with your arms up in the air, DON'T DO IT!! ITS A SCAM!! She says after they left she finally figured out they just wanted to see her naked. I am sooo blessed!

Windkist · Post by **Windkist** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 10:10 am

Ralph Pearson wrote:Me and Nary May wants to thank all you fine folks for your support. I want to thank all of you personally for allowing me to gloat and brag on Nary May, but when a man is blessed such as I am, I know you can understand where I am coming from and just hope and pray that all of you men have snagged you a woman as special as mine. Remember that looks ain't all there is to love and if you are lucky like me, you got you one with some brains. Time after time Nary May has never ceased to amaze me with her insight and wisdom in the game of life. I can't stay long because I am in a heck of a hurry. I have to get over to Stumptown to the school house and run the child care at the Summer School Prom. Nary May was suppossed to do it but since she is a little heavy handed with the kids, I volunteered to go for her. Anyway, before I go, I want to warn you of a scam that is going around. Just another example of the keen mind she has. Nary May wants me to tell you that if someone comes and knocks on your door and says they are doing a survey on deer ticks and Lyme disease and tells you to take off all your clothes and and spin around with your arms up in the air, DON'T DO IT!! ITS A SCAM!! She says after they left she finally figured out they just wanted to see her naked. I am sooo blessed!

Perhaps Ralph you could indulge us a weekly installment of Nary May's adventures? She is JUST fascinating!! ;-)

Leah

Jr Walker · Post by **Jr Walker** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 10:40 am

Yeah that would be great!

Ralph Pearson · Post by **Ralph Pearson** » Mon Jul 17, 2006 11:30 pm

Well, I guess you can see I ain't been on the board for a while and I don't know if I caN FINISH THIS LETTER BUT i WILL GIVE IT ALL i GOT. The reason I am so tired and cranky is cuz I ain't got much sleep lately cuz Nary Mays goldfish have been fighting and keeping me awake half the night and its a pretty sore subject with me. All they do anymore is fight and put up the dangdest ruckus you ever heard. Oh they was cute when we first got them. Was over to the Wal Mart last year and Nary May just had to have them. They was the cutest little dickens you ever saw and when they were young they played games like tag and hide and seek and school and seem to get along good. Now that they have reached sexual maturity, all they want to do is fight and I am at a loss cuz I don';t know any gold fish trainers in this area. It seems to start about 9:00 just when I have counted my last sheep and they go to rippin around and yackin and its not pleasant to hear and its made an insomnimaniac out of me. They fight about who gets to live under the shell but if you ask me, they are really fighting about other things they won't talk about. Well, anyway, last night I got smart and turned off my hearing aid and that worked good and I went right to sleep and slept all night and day and all the next night and next day and when I woke up I thought I was in somebody elses bed. I wasn't sure if I was in heaven or hell cuz I noticed first off that I couldn't hear anything and then I remembered that I had turned off my hearing aid and so I turned it on and be danged if the durn thing would work and now I can't get it to turn on and don't know what to do and that is why I am making this post to ask if anyone knows of a good hearing aid mechanic or gold fish trainer in this area? There used to be a good hearing aid mechanic over in Stumptown but he left for WASHINGTON DC 2 weeks ago for a new job listening in on phone calls for the president. His Momma said he was a natural cuz he grew up on a party line. This is all top secret information so don't be blabbin it around but Nary May found it out cuz she was accidently listening in on the party line the other night and heard his Mamma talking to the preachers wife. Them 2 is about the best gossipers in town and is where we get most of our news accept for sports and weather.. Anyway, sometimes a feller can work things to his advantage if he can adapt and this hearing aid deal was no differant and the firt thing I noticed right off was me and Nary May was gettin along a whole lot better cuz when she talked to me like she always does, I could only hear about half of what she was saying. This seem to change my brain kemistry and I think it got to releasing endorphiners in my brain and I felt a lot better in a general sort of way. So last sunday Nary May was talking to me like she always does and I was listening and only hearing about half of what she said and she says she has been watchin this show on the Fox TV satation and it was called The Okra Winfree show and this here Okra has this here love doctor on her show and she said his name was Dr Pill and this Dr Pill said us husbands should communicate more with our spouses and she got to asking me why I don't do that and I didn't have no answer and then she said I wasn't a very good communicator. First thing I did was go sneak some money out of Nary Mays billfold and went right down to the Radio Shack and bought us a set of walkie talkies. I can't wait to see her face!! BREAKER BREAKER 1-9, HAVE YOU GOT A COPY! !0-4 GOOD BUDDY-YOU ARE COMING IN WALL TO WALL! WHERES YOUR HOME 20 RUBBER DUCK?? Boys, if you are going to keep a woman like Nary May happy, you have to put in the effort and always be 2 steps ahead of them and that ain't easy to do with a woman like Nary May but somehow I manage. I hope this communicatin thing is just a fad with Nary May like sideburns was or the time she brought home that Chia Pet and it died. Well I gotta go cuz Nary May is honking the horn cuz we are taking a second language and I am late for my Yiddish lesson!

Ralph Pearson · Post by **Ralph Pearson** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 1:44 am

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I just got home from runnin Chicken George and was shocked to learn that some of the club entries has been goin down in recent years and some of your clubs are on the verge of collapse and since my wife thinks its a good idea, I have decided to offer up some of the ideas I have been thinkin up to help your clubs grow and prosper. I take all the beeglin magazines and see all kinds of differant trials in them and it occured to me that we ain't even scratched the surface of the differant type trials we could run and so I am offering up one I seen in the hounds and hunting magzine and will try to relay it to you word for word sort of so to speak etc. Now this comes directly out of hounds and hunting so if it don't work you can't blame me! Now the way this looks to me, the way you run your trials could use some improvement and the one thing I noticed that might be keeping your entries down is the way you run the dogs in the first series and then keep the best ones and run them in the second series and then keep the best one out of the second series and run them in the third series and so forth and so on down the line etc. This is easy to see that if a good dog draws out with some good runnin mates that it makes it a lot easier for him to look good since he don't have no bad packmates to mess him up and seems to me that a dog that draws good packmates is going to make field champion pretty easy whether he wants to or not. This is causing you to have way too many field champions and is making some of the boys that don't have no good dogs kind of jealous etc. Well, after thinking about this for a long time, I have come to the conclusion that field trials run along those lines ain't much of a test for some of those good dogs and I would like to offer a suggestion that will keep some of these good dogs from winning so easy and also keep from making too many field champions. I suggest that instead of running the best dogs from first series together in second series and so on down the line, that the judges take the 2 best dogs from the first series and run them with the 2 worst dogs in the first series and so forth down the line. They would take the 2 second best dogs in the first series and run them against the 2 second worst dogs in the first series etc. until all the best dogs are matched up with all the worst dogs. This would balance up the competion as every good dog would be handicapped by having to run with the worst dog according to his ability etc. This would be a big break for the fellers who ain't got no good dogs because thay would have a chance to run in second series which is something they are being deprived of now and it would make the game a whole lot more interesting for them. I know of one feller who ain't never had no good ones and ain't run in second series for over 10 years now even though he goes to about a dozen trials a year and as faithful as this feller, is it is awful hard for him to find anything to brag about on his dogs which is one of the main reasons a lot of people go to field trials. The closest I ever heard him brag on any of his dogs was last year when another boys dog made field champion with 500 points and he said that he was in 9 trials against that dog and that he was 9 of that dogs 500 points. Thats the closest I ever heard him brag on any of his dogs. You shouldn't forget that these boys are the backbone of our field trial system and we could never have no field champions at all in the first place if these boys that run losers all the time got discouraged and quit runnin them because they are the points we need to make our field champions. There are a lot of other advantages to runnin the worst dogs with the best dogs in the secong series and one of them would be a big increase in entries from these people I call the Killjoys or the Spoilers. They don't never want anybody to have any good luck or to be successful in anything and will do anything in their power to spoil anything that looks like it might be turnin out good. There are thousands of people like this in the country and I can't think of anything they would like better than to bring an awful bad dog to a field trail and run it against someone elses good one just for the satisfaction of spoiling the good ones chances of winning or making field champion. It is easy to see that you could nearly double your entries if you will take my advice and run this type of trial and give these Killjoys a chance to say" My dog took so and so out of the trial and spoiled his chance of winning". I have a couple other good ideas for some new trials if this one don't work so keep up the good work and let me know how this all turns out. I will be waiting to hear from you. Sincerely, Ralph Pearson.

Big Mike · Post by **Big Mike** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 6:19 am

Take it to the bank, Gas will be 3.00bucks a gal. on November 8th. Oh, is that the day after the elections ? emmm ?